Dr. Sanjay Gupta says he often wonders about the impact of so much screen time on teens' brains. (Photo: Delmaine Donson/E+/Getty Images)

(CNN) -- More and more states are tightening the screws on big tech, the internet and social networks. On Wednesday, Montana became the first state to completely ban TikTok, though many are skeptical about the applicability of the controversial new legislation.

Other measures include laws that aim to tighten regulation of social media platforms in general, such as those recently enacted by Arkansas and Utah.

There are three worthwhile goals that appear to be, at least in part, the motivation for such legal actions: preventing companies from collecting data about us and our children, protecting children online, and balancing rights with responsibilities when publishing content on online platforms. For example, if a platform hosts content that causes harm to someone, can it also be held liable? So far, the answer has been no, according to a recent U.S. Supreme Court ruling.

For me, however, the debates around smartphones and social media are very personal. As a father of three teenage girls, I often wonder about the impact of so much screen time on their brains.

Like many parents, I thought devices for my daughters were glorified toys that could entertain them if they needed it and provide them with a valuable communication tool in an emergency. That changed when I read a book by Jean Twenge titled "iGen: Why Today's Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy - and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood - and What That Means for the Rest of Us."

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In her book, Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, argues that Generation Z (or iGen, as she calls it) is growing up fundamentally differently than previous generations. He told me that some of the biggest behavioral changes recorded so far in human history coincided with the emergence of smartphones.

According to Twenge, twelfth-graders are more like eighth-graders of previous generations and wait longer to participate in activities associated with independence and adulthood. They are less likely to go out with friends, drive, go to prom, or drink alcohol than Gen X 12th-graders. They are more likely to lie in bed and watch TV. They are more likely to lie in bed and browse endless social media. They may be physically safer, but the long-term effect on their mental and brain health is a big question mark.

Twenge told me she had "seen a very, very sudden change, especially in mental health, but also in optimism and expectations... between millennials and iGen or Gen Z."

What he said made sense, but it also scared me. On many topics – for example, neurosurgery – I have a pretty clear idea of how to address concerns because I rely on evidence, sometimes collected over decades. But with regard to these new technologies, there was hardly any data to review. Not only did we lack answers to basic questions, but we often didn't even know what questions to ask.

As a result, my wife, Rebecca, and I found ourselves in a very unusual and uncomfortable situation. Based on very little information, we had to provide critical guidance on at what age, how much and what kind of screen time to allow our three iGen daughters.

I know I'm not the only one. I hear these kinds of concerns all the time, both from the parents of my children's friends and from viewers, readers, and listeners, and that's why my podcast, "Chasing Life," devoted an entire season to the topic.

The numbers

It's hard to find consistent numbers, but, according to a 2023 survey by reviews.org, nearly 89% of American adults say they pick up the phone within 10 minutes of waking up. That same survey, which stunned me, revealed that American adults check their phones on average 144 times a day, or once every 7 minutes of wakefulness.

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For children, the statistics are even more troubling. According to a 2022 Pew survey of those under 18, 46% of U.S. teens said they were connected to the internet "almost constantly." And 35% said they are "almost constantly" on one of the top five social media apps: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook.

Perhaps none of this should surprise us, because there is literally an endless supply of material to consume. In June 2022, an average of more than 500 hours of video per minute was uploaded to YouTube, according to data company Domo. On Instagram, an estimated 1.300 billion photos are shared daily, according to a photo industry estimate. And in 2020, Snap Inc. said more than 4 billion Snaps were being sent a day.

My daughters are 17, 16 and 14 years old. They are digital natives and have never known a world without devices. They often remind me that this is not the world they necessarily wanted, but the one we have given them. My youngest daughter told me one day that she would like to be a millennial because that generation had phones, but no smartphones or social media, and they weren't necessarily tied to them. Today, he tells me, many teens feel an obligation to be on social media or will feel abandoned.

Lessons learned

The fact that screens and technology are not only ubiquitous, but necessary, is a given in these times. But how to deal with all this is not so obvious. I have to say that I have learned a lot of things researching and interviewing experts for this season of the podcast.

If I had to sum things up in three main points, they would be these:

First, have a conversation with your child. That means sitting down, without haste or distractions, and having an in-depth conversation with them, without scolding or judgment. I did it with each of my daughters and I learned a lot. Try to figure out how and how often they use their screens, what social media platforms they're on, what they hope to get out of their interactions, and how those interactions make them feel. Also ask them if they think they have any problems. Your sincerity may surprise you and lead to a more productive conversation.

Dr. Michael Rich, co-director of the Interactive Media and Internet Disorders Clinic at Boston Children's Hospital and a self-described "media specialist" who treats young people with "problematic media use," told me he's inspired by conversations he has with his young patients.

"Actually, one of the things I do with these young people on the first visit, if I can, if they let me go through the crack in the armor, is try to identify their pain points, the things they wish were better, whether it's school or 'I wish I had more friends,' etc.," he said. "I want to look more at what their life is like from the time they get up until they go to bed. So I think it's really about, 'How do you feel in your life? How are you doing? Are you taking notes that reflect your abilities?' And almost invariably, they will say no. And then we'll explore why it can be."

Rich says that, for many of his patients, the overuse of technology itself isn't the problem. Rather, it is a form of self-calming behavior – a therapy, if you will – to mitigate other underlying conditions, such as anxiety or depression, that need to be addressed.

Next, don't be a catastrophist. Chances are, you'll find that your kids use some kind of screen or device more often than you'd like, but – this is key – not everyone develops a problem. In other words, don't assume the worst about the impact technology use will have on your child's brain and development. Most people may not develop catastrophic problems, but it can be difficult to predict who is most vulnerable.

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"When it comes to social media, I feel like there's a reassurance I can offer here," said Dr. Keneisha Sinclair-McBride, a clinical psychologist at Boston Children's Hospital and an adjunct professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School. According to her, social media is not what worries most teenagers.

The things that stress out Generation Z today would resonate with a teenager 30 years ago. "'Am I going to college?' 'I argued with my parents.' "I get very nervous when I have to talk in class." They're still the same things," he explains.

"It's not necessarily that social media is the main factor. It's a tool that can be used for good and sometimes bad, but it's not the main thing kids talk about. It's something that's part of their lives, but their lives are these complex, rich things that have hopes and dreams and problems, just like they've always had," he said. "That's good. It's not like every child is going to get mental health treatment because social media is ruining their lives. That's not the case at all."

And finally, in the words of the science writer and journalist Catherine Price, remember that life is what we pay attention to. Think about it for a moment; It's such a simple idea, but so true. I find it very inspiring and encouraging, because it implies that we can determine what our lives are like.

Next time you pick up the phone, Price wants us to remember the three questions: What for? Why now? And for what else?

"As soon as you realize you have the phone in your hand, ask yourself those questions: What did I grab it for? Then you ask yourself: Why now? What was the reason you took it? Sometimes you have a reason, like it's a friend's birthday and you have to give them a gift. Most of the time it will be an emotional reason, he told me: for example, you have anxiety, so you take the phone to calm down; or boredom, so you use it as a distraction; or loneliness, to feel more connected."

"So identify what your brain is really looking for, and then you can move on to the third step: what else, which is to ask yourself what else you could do at that moment to achieve the same result. Could you use the phone to call a friend instead of turning to social media, if you're going through a lonely moment? Could you take a quick walk around the block if you need a break from work instead of going to the news?" asked Price. "It doesn't really matter what the answer is. It's about making sure that when we use our devices or the apps we have on them, it's the result of an intentional choice rather than our minds and brains being hijacked."

And, while Price wants to steer us toward experiencing life outside of our devices — after all, the title of his 2018 book is "How to Break Up With Your Phone: The 30-Day Plan to Take Back Your Life" — the practice of paying attention to our needs and motives can also be applied even when we're on our devices. choosing content more carefully to avoid toxicity, anxiety, and aggravation.

I want, I should, I could

As I spoke with all of these experts during this podcast season, I played with different metaphors to better capture and describe the experience of problematic media use, as Rich calls it. Is it an addiction, as some people experiment with nicotine, drugs, or alcohol? Are screens and apps like slot machines designed to keep us mindlessly playing? To some extent, there are similarities, but also an important difference. Unlike alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, or gambling, it's not really feasible to move away from technology entirely.

Many of us, including our children, spend a lot of time in front of screens: to work, to do homework and homework, to communicate, to do things and to relax, whether scrolling, watching series or playing. It would not be correct to say that we are addicted to our devices, because addiction therapy often requires abstinence, which is not possible with devices. A better metaphor might be food, which we all need too. However, with both we gorge too often. We know we shouldn't consume all day, and we need to be careful about what we choose to eat.

I also like to think of technology and devices as a car or a powerful tool: they are efficient and impressive in their ability to perform certain tasks, but we have to learn to control them and not let them control us. We recognize the usefulness of a vehicle while being trained in its hazards. We should probably think of little supercomputers in the same way, rather than as a toy to placate young children.

Did Rebecca and I do all this perfectly with our daughters? Would we have done things differently if we had thought about it better? Surely. But, like all of you, we had no precedent for this.

"It didn't exist when we were young, so we're learning to manage it ourselves," says Rebecca, reflecting my own sentiment. "And it's a learning curve for us and for the kids. But almost as quickly as we're adapting to the phone, we're adapting to that learning curve."

My three daughters learned by trial and error to achieve balance, each in their own way. And while Rebecca and I could have come up with more specific rules for House Gupta, the barriers we set were consistent and thoughtful, though not perfect.

The kids will be fine

As my daughters remind me: technology, screens, apps and smartphones are neither good nor bad, they just are. But Generation Z's acceptance of this world they have inherited is not blind; They want us to fix it. Young people like Emma Lembke, an advocate and sophomore at Washington University in St. Louis, are demanding change, and people — lawmakers and maybe even big tech executives — are starting to listen.

"Make no mistake, unregulated social media is a weapon of mass destruction that continues to jeopardize the safety, privacy and well-being of all young Americans. It's time to act," Lembke told Congress in February.

Lembke, who had his own struggles with problematic media use, told me, "Ten years from now, social media won't be what it is today. They will be whatever members of my generation build them to be. We want to build them differently. We want to build it well."

Some of those changes involve regulations, for example, to ensure more transparent algorithms so that users' innocent searches don't lead to inappropriate results (e.g., TikTok searches for healthy recipes that can quickly lead to disordered eating), the end of autoplay to create space for the viewer to decide if they want to keep scrolling, and image filters that don't make faces subtly conform to European/white beauty standards with lighter skin or thinner noses, as Sinclair-McBride told me. Lembke said she and her peers are concerned not only about their own generation, but about the next.

My daughters, like many others I've interviewed, don't want TikTok banned, and they already have strategies to avoid it. Instead, we all need to learn – and help our children learn – to make better choices about the types of content we consume as part of our digital diet.

As Sinclair-McBride pointed out, we own something very valuable that big tech companies want: our time and attention. We need to be judicious in allocating these valuable resources, not only because they are important to TikTok, Snap or Instagram, but also because they are invaluable to us.

How to talk about screen time

Don't know how to start a conversation with your kids about using the internet and social media? Here's a list of conversation topics that can help.

• Tell me how you usually use your phone every day. Are you connected as soon as you get up? During classes? Just before you fall asleep?
• How much time do you estimate you spend on the phone on a typical day? Do you think it's too much, too little or just the right amount of time?
• Which apps, games, or platforms are your favorites and why do you like them? When you get into your favorite, what do you hope to get out of it?
• Do you think you have a healthy relationship with technology and social media? How about a healthy relationship?
• Do you think you have fair and clear limits on screen time? Are you able to respect those limits? Do you want the rules to be changed?
• Has there ever been a time when technology got in the way of an activity you wanted to do?
• Have you ever felt like your friends or people at school were pressuring you to use the phone?
• Do you know people who don't use technology in the best way?
• Is there anything related to technology or social media that worries you?
• Have you ever tried to reduce your screen time? What made you feel this way? What did you do and what worked?
• Do you have hope for your future? Why or why not?

--CNN's Andrea Kane contributed to this article.

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