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(CNN) -- When Sam Maya, a beloved husband, father, friend, stockbroker and coach, committed suicide 16 years ago, he left a note. He apologized to his wife, Charlotte, for being a burden and told her and their two children, then 6 and 8, that he loved them.

In her recent heartbreaking memoir, "Sushi Tuesdays: A Memoir of Love, Loss and Family Resilience," Charlotte Maya testifies to Sam's life, death, and aftermath with a singular purpose: to humanize the face of suicide and help readers become fluent in talking about mental health.

Maya spent nearly a decade writing "Sushi Tuesdays," which aims to humanize the face of suicide.

She spent nearly a decade writing "Sushi Tuesdays," starting with a blog of the same name, a tribute to the weekly ritual she created after her husband's death.

Every Tuesday, while her children were at school, Maya put aside her overwhelming to-do list as a lawyer and widowed single mother. Tuesdays would start with a yoga class, then therapy, followed by whatever I needed most: maybe go back to bed, hike, or go sushi solo.

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I met Maya at a memoir workshop last year. I have a family history of mental illness and suicide, so I connected with her work and her motivation to share her story.

A wake-up call about suicide

In 2021, suicide was the second leading cause of death among Americans aged 10 to 34, fifth among those aged 35 to 54 and eleventh nationwide, claiming the lives of more than 48,000 people, according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). for its acronym in English).

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The suicide rate among men in 2021 was nearly four times that of women, according to the CDC. According to Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, a psychiatrist and researcher at Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston, research supports the hypothesis that men tend to choose more effective and lethal means of suicide.

In addition, men are less likely to seek treatment for depression because of gender expectations that equate masculinity with emotional stoicism, Nadkarni said.

Suicide is a national health crisis, Maya told me, but when we hear about such a loss, we often attribute each death to the specific problem the deceased was facing, such as economic or legal problems.

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According to her, these stressors do not explain suicide. "A lot of people lose money and don't take their own lives. They figure things out."

When her husband died, Maya knew his back hurt and he was stressed about work and money, but she didn't believe these things would add up to suicide. In retrospect, he can now spot clues, such as the revision of his will shortly before he died.

"I wanted to go back in time after Sam died," he says. "I felt so strongly that if I could have gone back to that morning, I could have changed everything. It's hard to face what can't be undone, what I did or didn't do, where I failed, where Sam failed."

Talking about mental health issues

"Whenever I say Sam made a mistake, the mistake I'm referring to is that he didn't ask for help," Maya says. "It's hard to say you suffer when you're hurting, so let your loved ones know you're available to help."

Asking people directly about suicidal thoughts may reduce, rather than increase, suicidal thinking, according to a 2014 review of the academic literature in the journal Psychological Medicine.

This requires people to look for and perceive signs that others may be suffering, such as changes in mood, behavior, appetite or sleep habits, or that they are getting rid of prized possessions.

The writer remarried. The family consists of Gregory Stratz (left to right), Tim Stratz, Jason Maya, Parker (the dog), Charlotte Maya, Danny Maya and Daniel Stratz, here in 2011. (Credit: Karen Ray Photography)

Talking directly about mental health became a hallmark of Maya's solo parenting. His goal was for his children to "live full and fruitful lives, not defined by their father's suicide, not limited by their father's suicide, but also not ignorant of it."

His children mourned their father in their own way, denied him (one pretended his father was on a long business trip) and with bouts of rage that ended with destroyed Lego sets and tears. Maya cried with them the "daddy-shaped space in their hearts," but promised them that one day they might say, "I survived my father's suicide and I can do anything."

"Let people come forward and help"

"It can be uncomfortable to say yes when people ask you for help," Maya said. "Because I was so shocked and overwhelmed, I just said yes. I recommend people to act like this. Let people come forward and help you."

The support of Maya's people was so great that she had to decide which of her friends would be full-fledged characters in "Sushi Tuesdays" and which would appear as cameos.

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She faced this challenge — and the confusion caused by many friends with names beginning with the letter J — and wittily referred to her friends, collectively, as "The Janes." Given her training as a lawyer, I thought of them as Jane Doe No. 1, Jane Doe No. 2 and so on.

In the book, readers meet prosecutor Jane, who helped in the coroner's office, engineer Jane, who gets children to school every day on time, and prayer warrior Jane, who prays for Maya while she "doesn't exactly talk to God."

One friend, identified not as "Jane" but as "Bess" in the narrative, is Katherine Tasheff, a friend from Rice University. When Sam Maya died, Tasheff was a single mother living on little money in Brooklyn, so she couldn't travel to California to visit him. So she did what she could: she wrote her friend an email. And then another. And another one. Morning and night for 365 days following Sam's death.

Finding humor, even in pain

The emails were always sincere and genuine, but often mixed with black humor. In one, Tasheff wrote, "We did an informal survey about which husband was most likely to take his own life, and I want you to know that Sam came in last."

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Almost immediately, Charlotte Maya replied, "Last to die?"

These kinds of jokes encouraged Maya, who told her therapist to "call 911" if she ever lost her sense of humor. According to her, finding moments of frivolity helped her hold on to her humanity. "Humor doesn't override what's devastating," Maya told me. "Just as gratitude cannot override what is horrible. The important thing is to have the ability to sustain both."

Create your own self-care ritual "Sushi Tuesdays"

After her husband's death, Charlotte Maya says the moments of frivolity helped her hold on to her humanity. (Credit: Karen Ray Photography)

Seven years after her husband's death in 2014, Maya felt ready to write about her suicide survivorship. Tasheff acted with the speed he is known to and created a blog to sushituesdays.com in less than an hour.

By then, Maya had already met and married her town's most sought-after widower, who is now nicknamed Mr. Page 179 because that's where he appears in the book. Each brought two children to the marriage. (Coincidentally, they each have a son named Daniel, so they now have two Daniels.)

Maya continues to honor her Tuesdays with therapy and yoga, an outing with a friend, and sometimes a sushi lunch.

He urges everyone — especially single-parent families and those suffering from anxiety or depression — to set a similar weekly ritual, even if it's just an hour to "treat themselves with the same compassion with which they treat their dearest friends."

These coping mechanisms can protect us

According to psychologist Lauren Kerwin, the coping mechanisms Maya resorted to in her grief may further explain the gender disparity in suicide rates.

Men are less likely to have strong support networks or engage with them when they experience stress or emotional pain, and are more likely to use maladaptive coping strategies, such as substance abuse or isolation, Kerwin says.

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Seeking social connection and professional help is critical to preventing suicide.

"Now, more than ever, we have a better understanding of the neuroinflammatory basis of depression: the medical framework gives us a model in which to view depression as a medical condition and treatable," says Nadkarni, a Boston psychiatrist.

How to Help Someone Who May Be at Risk for Suicide

If you see warning signs or are worried about someone who may be suffering, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention recommends that you assume that you are the only one reaching out. Find a time to talk privately and listen. Let him know that his life matters to you and ask him directly if he is thinking about suicide. Then encourage him to use the national suicide hotline by calling or texting 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, contacting his doctor or therapist, or seeking treatment.

For assistance outside the U.S., the International Association for Suicide Prevention provides a worldwide directory of international resources and hotlines. You can also turn to Befrienders Worldwide.

Check here for websites and helplines that can be used in most Latin American countries and Spain.

Jodie Sadowsky is a Connecticut-based writer who focuses on relationships, mental health, and books.

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